The Ancient Art Of Pwn!

I’m not a very prideful person, but i will say that i pwn harder then anyone who has ever pwnd. I like to think of pwns as apple’s, my great grandfather said “a pwn a day keeps the doctor away”, i like to think that this is true being that i haven’t gone to the doctors in 23 years. I was a bit hesitant to write this article on the ancient arts that is pwning…hesitant that perhaps one of my enemies may stumble upon this website and practice the technique’s just as i have explained them….but then i remembered that i’m exponentially better then everyone at pwning.

Lets first begin with what pwing really is.  PWN (verb)-  Perfectly owning someone, stealing souls, utter destruction that cause the receiver of the pwn to want to curl up and die. Many think of pwning as simply just owning someone….this is the first mistake that your average human makes. When you pwn someone…especially a good one you take a little piece of that persons soul, i personally own a few pieces of souls myself (Dan,Billy, Nate, Adam, Ian, Brett Mohr, Sean Maroney, ect…)…they unwillingly hand it to you in awe of what you have done. When a pwn goes down not only does the pwner feel it deep in his loins, but the person getting pwnd feels an opposite feeling of dismay and malevolence deep in his or her loins. Many of times i have proper pwnd someone and i can just tell by the look in there face that i just destroyed, even though they may deny it out of embarrassment, you and the person getting pwnd know what just happened and that’s all that truly matters….and that my friends is how you know it is good.

The origins of the first real Pwn. There are many stories of the first person who pwnd, many think it’s origins stemmed from a WarCraft game…after a gamer had killed a person he went to type in “own”, but accidental spelled “pwn” due to the location of the o and p key. This is false because a pwn is never accidental….it’s maybe improved….but never accidental. If we are too sift through all the web data you’ll see that the word pwn is seen as early as 1989 in what is known as the former U.S.S.R(Russia)…this maybe and early attempt at pwn…but due to empirical evidence i have to conclude that the infamous USSR pwn of 89′ was a mistake and somehow just got lost in translation…plus Russians are just dirty..they have dirty beards, drink dirty Vodka, and have a dirty sounding language. Pwnd Russia…Pwn! Moving on, the first recorded pwn took place in the quaint town of San Juan Capistrano, after 48 hours of labor a women gave birth to dashing and handsome 7lb 8oz baby boy. Right as the doctor look up to the women who just bore the child he was about to say ” Congratulations, you  just gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy” But the boy in all his boldness would have non of the snide doctors kiss ass comments, he had other plans. Rather when Doctor Johnson was halfway through saying “Congratulations” the young boy unleashed some pee that he had been holding in for 48 hours, the pee shot up at a perfect angle…nailing the doctor right in the face and ultimately getting a little in his mouth causing the Dr. Johnson to gag. The doctor…knowing that he had just been destroyed and to avoid the golden stream that was stealing his soul dropped the baby. All 30 people who were in the room to watch the astounding delivery screamed in agony as newborn dropped. From 6 ft up the baby would certainly parish upon impact with the cold hospital floor. Yet again the baby had other plans…as he was dropped the young dashing baby proceeded to do a gainer flip the likes of which no one had ever seen. He landed with a bend at the knee’s to absorb the shock….his head down…hair dramatically covering his eyes. As his head arose he took his left hand and wiped the hair from his eyes to reveal his glare which ultimately told the severity of the situation. The doctor stood in awe…shaking in Bruno Magli’s…knee’s quivering. I kid you not people for the next 10 seconds the Earth Stood Still,(Keanu Reeves was off somewhere just crying) the baby had a look in his eyes, he cleared his throat. The people watching were thinking “is he going to talk” they quickly answered there own questions in there mind saying…”that would be impossible for the baby is only 2 minutes old”. Then the people remembered that within 2 minutes the baby managed to pee in a renowned doctor’s mouth and do a gainer flip that put Kerrie Strug to shame. The baby cleared his throat…Earth stood still, K Reeves crying, quite…pin drops. As the baby looked up a beam of light crept in through the window, it was as if God was sending him a spotlight to illuminate him in all his awesomness. All eyes were literally on deck, the babies lips opened and from his mouth came a voice that would make angels cry, it sounded like James Earl Jones but better. The boys mouth opened and from it came a word that no one had ever heard before, he looked at the doctor and said “PWND!”, at that moment the Earth shook. Even though no one had heard it before everyone knew what it meant, The Baby had just owned the doctor, stole his soul….not a piece of…all of it. The pwn was like and exclamation point from Heaven. At that moment in time nothing could have fit the scenario better then the pwn….it was perfect. The doctor was cupping his loins because they had just been girded so hard, Dr. Johnson looked at the boy and said “who are you?” the boy replied ” my name is Seth Willingham”. Yes, as some of you may have already guessed…I was that little boy….pwning and owning from birth. Right after the pwn a single tear drop rolled down from my mothers eye as she said ” You can’t teach that” and she was right. If you’re wondering whatever happened to the Dr. Dan Johnson, he ended up dying of a myocardial infraction 10 minutes later, he left a wife and 5 kids behind. What a noob.. right? I actually blame it on myself you see Pwner’s just like rattlesnakes are more dangerous when there young, the young rattlesnake is dangerous because it doesn’t know how much venom to release so it just unloads ultimately making them more dangerous. I was like that Rattlesnake, i didn’t understand how much Pwn to release so i just released it all and in the process taking a life. It was my first pwn….well second pwn if you count putting my mother through 48 hours of labor which almost killed her.

You’re all probably wondering when i’m going to teach you how to pwn, if you haven’t put 2 and 2 together yet….i’m not going to teach you. The moral of the first pwn story is literally that ” you can’t teach it” and my first pwn story is actually where that “you can’t teach that” saying  stemmed from. Amidst the mere mortals there are great people, Hero’s, X-men, PWNR’s, some of you could pwn…you just don’t know it yet….you must tap deep into the loins and find the strength….unleash the pwn that has been cage for oh so long. I just happened to pwn when i was 2 minutes old, a situation presented itself and i took full advantage of the opportunity, although i did spend 9 months carefully planning it…training inside my mother’s belly. I encourage you to take this week and just find your inner pwn, find someone you don’t like…someone ugly or too rich for there own good and just pwn them, just seriously do it. I hope you found this weeks blog exciting and feel honored that you know the first pwn story for that day i made all 30 in attendance take and oath never to tell anyone.

Drink Recommendation: I had a great night enjoying a great pitcher of beer with a great friend in Steve Buttwell. Brother Steve on going on a 6 week missions trip to Sri Lanka and i Think he’s going to die there so i decided to take him out to enjoy possibly his last pint. We went to BJ’s and got some Jeremiah Red….because Jeremiah is biblical. 

Appearance: clear amber in color with a 1/2″ head. Some light spotty lacing developed through the drink. 

Smell: Big malty aroma with a hint of fresh berries and sage. 

Taste: Rich malty flavor and pretty much no hops to speak of. There are flavor notes of toast, biscuit, saltine crackers, burnt caramel, dried apricot, punes, raisins (lots of dried fruit, to say the least) sweet tanins and an alcohol ending. There is also some smokiness at the end of the flavor that sits on the middle of the tongue. 

Mouthfeel: This beer is nicely balanced with a clean mouthfeel completely void of diacytil. The finish is clean with a lasting maltiness that completely satisfies this taster. 

Drinkability: It’s a pretty good beer that is nice to enjoy with a pizza. I’d gladly have it again.

 

Video:

How to pwn.

How to reverse a pwn

Seriously just don’t even try to pwn/scare a black dude.

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5 Comments »

  1. williamglarsen Said:

    do you really expect me to read all of this?

  2. JPL Mike Said:

    Really Seth?

    I think the sheer fact that you feel you must display 4 pages of the knowledge of pwning, in fact shows that you have no idea how to pwn. In fact…someone who really knows how to Pwn wouldn’t even have to write about this, because if anyone were to ask him (all pwnrs are male) he would just smile and think to himself

    PWNed

    • sethaniel Said:

      when you get hundreds of letters in the mail, and thousands of emails a day asking to write on a subject….you do it. The sheer defensive stance you’re in with your comment lets me know that you truly enjoyed the post and wish that you could have wrote it yourself.

      • williamglarsen Said:

        why do you feel the need to lie all the time


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